I was another Susanna. 22 years ago, I was 8 months pregnant and worked as a theatre director. I stood on a bridge in Sweden and thought: “I will do something other than theatre. Help me find something where I can actualize my desire to contribute, use my body and be creative. ”
One month later, Etienne, my son was born. And I was one of those women…
… Who went into full battle, against what was happening in my body. I panicked. I who had been so optimistic and positive thought “SHIT, what is this? It just hurts! There is no point! ” My poor partner tried to help, but I just got angry. More tense. I was completely terrified.
Luckily, I had a midwife to call. When I talk to her, she is firm and determined on the phone: “You have two choices Susanna; fight it – or work with it. ” She changes my breathing to silent. Says that “Now you need to work WITH the pain. Because it means your baby”. She guides me to get heavy in the contraction and pain. I say you’re crazy, she says trust me. You’re not alone. I am here. She repeats and “flashes her lighthouse”, I just follow. And after a while I start to let go.
I experience it as if I am sucked out of chaos and into work. Suddenly I feel how my child and I meet in the body. My partner gets help to take over as a lighthouse, and in the cruising comes the sound. I cry, say “yes” and receive my first child in my trembling arms.